Wow has anyone ever read one of these?
We have to have one of these dealios to explain how we comply with the GDPR (General Data Protection Regulation), the DPA (Data Protection Act) and the PECR (Privacy and Electronic Communications Regulations) because gawd knows there’s not enough actual interesting things in the world to read, you need to read 1,000 words of legalese nonsense that makes literally not one bit of difference to anyone, ever.
Also we don’t really know what these things are. We’re just two under-heighted writers who thought we’d have a laugh and get other people writing with us.
Who we are
Short words (written by short people)
So. Here we go…
Tl;dr (QUICK SUMMARY)
We’re a tiny, overstretched business and we don’t have the time or energy to do anything nefarious with your data. It’s not that we’re not evil – we’re as corruptible as anyone – we’re just too tired to think up a malevolent plot to steal your identity.
We collect and store the info we need to provide you with the service you buy from us. We may occasionally stalk you via Facebook or Google advertising. That’s really it.
When visitors leave comments on the site we collect the data shown in the comments form, and also the visitor’s IP address and browser user agent string to help spam detection.
Visitor comments may be checked through an automated spam detection service.
EMBEDDED CONTENT FROM OTHER SITES
Articles on this site may include embedded content (e.g. videos, images, articles, etc.). Embedded content from other websites behaves in the exact same way as if the visitor has visited the other website.
If you leave a comment on our site you may opt-in to saving your name, email address and website in cookies. These are for your convenience so that you do not have to fill in your details again when you leave another comment. These cookies will last for one year.
STALKY VISITOR TRACKING
Look, we’re following you, ok? We use website analytics, primarily to stare at the real time stats because they’re cool but also to see what stuff people are looking at so we can come up with more of the stuff you like.
We also have the Facebook Pixel installed so that we can sell you stuff. Yes you heard it. We are a business and – shocker – we want you to spend money with us. The Facebook Pixel means that we can see how people interact with our site and with Facebook adverts and then we try to flog you relevant stuff. It may also match your contact info and Facebook account to help us grow our audience. If you’re not on Facebook – well bloody done but the pixel is tracking you anyway.
Don’t know if there’s a specific Facebook Pixel blocking thing but we accidentally discovered that if you use Freedom app to block social media while you’re busy it also blocks the FB pixel. Handy hints!
We also use AddThis which shows us what content on our website people are sharing. This is because we like to know what gets people excited. You can’t block this because it’s not tracking you, it’s tracking our content.
None of these things store any super personal data about you but probably they nab your IP address, not that we’d know where to look for it or what to do with it. All we see is that a person or many people have interacted with the website in a particular way. You can mess with us by doing something totally unexpected on the website and skewing our stats. Or you could do something way more fun and useful with your time LIKE NAPPING.
DATA!! It’s all about the data, baby. A literal fuck-tonne of petabytes whirring around the world and what? What’s it all for? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN? What will future historians actually see of us and our slowly collapsing society? So. We store your data in a few different places and use it in a couple of different ways. You ready for this?
Here on this website! This may sound obvious, but if you contact us through the site, we will store your name and email address. We keep contact form submissions for a certain period for customer service purposes, but we do not use the information submitted through them for marketing purposes. Another shocker: If you sign up for our email list, we will store your name and email address! If you contract us we will store your name, email address, postal address, phone number if you give it to us, purchase history, among other details dependent on the interaction. Your payment details ARE NOT held on the site. We obviously go to the maximum effort to keep this data safe, by enlisting secure Third Party Applications such as Square, or Wave, to handle transactions securely. More on this later.
We’ll be honest: we do absolutely nothing surprising or radical with your info. We may use your purchase or sign-up history to target you with ads for stuff you might like, via email. If you’ve enlisted our services or signed up for our mailing list, we’ll occasionally ask you if you want something else from us. Does that make us EvilMegaCorp? Idk, it’s fairly standard isn’t it?
Mailchimp/Flodesk! If you’ve signed up for anything or bought anything from us – newsletter, freebie, paid service, membership, merch, anything – your name and email address also wangs its way over to Mailchimp and/or Flodesk, which are the systems we use to manage our newsletters and emails. They are (allegedly) GDPR compliant. You can unsubscribe from emails at any time by hitting the unsubscribe button.
Setmore! Setmore is a Client Relations Manager (CRM) application that we use to manage our clients’ info, appointments, payments, and arrange video calls. It stores your name, email, and phone number, along with session/client notes. They are allegedly GDPR compliant.
Square/Wave! These are applications that securely manage transactions and send invoices, and help us with accounting. They will store your info to facilitate payment for services. They communicate via email and so your name and email will be stored.
Evernote! We use Evernote to keep client notes. It is encrypted.
For How Long?
We keep contact form entries for a year, analytics records for a year, and customer purchase records for seven years.
Rights Over Your Data
If you have an account on this site, or have left comments, you can request to receive an exported file of the personal data we hold about you, including any data you have provided to us. You can also request that we erase any personal data we hold about you. This does not include any data we are obliged to keep for administrative, legal, or security purposes.
YOUR PAYMENT DETAILS
When you buy services, you will either pay through Square or Wave or e-transfer. We don’t hold any payment-based details on our website. We have no bank or card details or nada here. Square is GDPR compliant. Wave is being weird about it but will have to be GDPR compliant or everyone in Europe will have to stop using it and probably they don’t want that.
EMAIL MARKETING THINGIES AND NEWSLETTERS
If you sign up to our newsletter, we will send you a newsletter – generally around one a month, but occasionally more if there is more interesting stuff to tell you. You can unsubscribe at any time by clicking the unsubscribe button in every email. Your name and email address are stored securely in Mailchimp/Flodesk.
If you sign up for a free resource, we will send you emails about the resource. We will ask you if you want to receive emails from us.
Mailchimp automatically adds tracking things to links so if you click on a link WE KNOW. If you open an email WE KNOW. If you ignore us WE KNOW.
The most important thing about this is we have neither the time nor inclination to actually look at or do anything with these stats.
YOUR RIGHT TO BE DELETED
FINE. If you want to go undercover, just chuck us an email at firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll delete all the info we have on you from our systems while having a passive aggressive huff about what we could have possibly done wrong.
This does not include Square. If you want to delete your Square account you have to do that yourself via Square. We cannot delete your purchase history because the taxman will be terribly upset.
SOCIAL MEDIA AND ALL THAT BOLLOCKS
We use social media a lot, partly to promote our services but mostly as a vehicle for our creative swearing and political opinions. When we engage with you, you can ask us to be less friendly if you wish and we will of course respect your boundaries.
You are not required to follow our social media accounts.
If you upload images to the website, you should avoid uploading images with embedded location data (EXIF GPS) included. Visitors to the website can download and extract any location data from images on the website.
Got it? Read it? Done it? WELL FUCKING DONE YOU! Celebrate your achievement with a gold star.